just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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