They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
