Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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