I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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