You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize