she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
