I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
