DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
