when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
