Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
