New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
