I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
