It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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