Taylor Swift is so right about you.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
