Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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