i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Randomize
