wanna go halves on a baby?
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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