No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
