I love black thongs
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Is it penis luge time yet?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Randomize
