after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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