I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Randomize
