I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Randomize
