I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
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