I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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