I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
