I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
