I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
