And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
