TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
