i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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