I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
