Tell her she can't have a vagina
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
