I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
