Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
