Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
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