I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
