How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
