i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
jump out the window naked night went bad
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
