totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
