I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
