I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
