I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
