My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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