sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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