the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
