If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
