The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
