I wanna bring you to show and tell
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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