She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
