Apparently you make a good broom.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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