I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
