I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
