Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I use my feet as sexual weapons
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
