I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
