He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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