Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
