u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
