There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
