So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
