i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
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