There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I just gargled with NyQuil
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
