before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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