On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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